Don't Take Our Dinosaur!: An Open Letter to The Mongolian Government

Dear Mr. Government,

Can I call you Mongolian? I think we're on a first name basis, we've known each other for a while. Actually, do you have a nickname, like Goly, or Mongo, or Billy? I'm gonna call you Billy.

Pleasantries aside, lately you've been making some remarks about the Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton in the American Museum of Natural History in New York City, known as "Rexy" to his good friend Ben Stiller.

Good looking guy.

If I understand my news correctly, Billy, you've been saying you want Rexy back because he has historical and cultural significance to your country and your people. Well, you can't make us! You have no right! Sure, the U.S. shouldn't really even have the skeleton and took it illegally in the '30s but that's beside the point!

A '30s archaeologist.

The point that that's beside, by the way, is that you can't take the dinosaur. Plain and simple. If the U.S. government won't stop you, then I will, me, Nate Perlmeter. I can quote Spongebob Squarepants dialogue in a high pitched squeal, and will have you hear it, Billy, if you won't submit to more diplomatic methods. But I hope that won't be necessary.

First of all, your statement is completely ridiculous, Billy. How can the dinosaur be of historical and cultural significance to your country and people? It's a dinosaur. Its history ended long before yours began, and Google yields no "mongolian cultural rites involving dinosaurs." Do you know what that makes you, Billy? A liar. A big, fat, liar.

Terrible movie. Hope you never had to see it in Mongolia.
Okay, okay, I love it.

If anything, the dinosaur is of cultural significance to Americans. It's in the New York City American Museum of Natural History! We based two (filmed in Canada) movies on that place! The dinosaur is so. . . majestic and so. . .inspiring!

Okay, I admit it, Billy. I don't care much about the dinosaur. Living in the New York metropolitan area, I've seen it enough times. But think of the minor disappointment that the exasperated tourists will feel for a moment when a security guard says that the T-Rex skeleton is no longer there. Do you think you could live with causing that kind of pain to people? Do you, Billy?

And that is why we're keeping it. Or at least, I am. I'll find someplace to keep it.

Thank you for your time,

Nate Perlmeter