Pixar From Best to Worst : Part 1

I just got home from seeing Brave, the latest Pixar movie. I enjoyed it. I recommend seeing it. It was sweet and funny, the music and voice acting were great, the visuals were amazing, and the short it aired with, La Luna, was a real treat. Brave was everything you expect from a Pixar movie, but the thing about Pixar is that the whole is always more than the sum of its parts. The whole is something special, something unique, something wonderful, and Brave doesn't quite have it.

In my opinion, Pixar is the greatest movie studio out there right now, if not of all time. Almost every one of their small number of movies is absolutely perfect. It's pretty amazing, and in celebration, I wrote a list of every Pixar movie, from worst to best. Mathematically, the task is impossible. There is more than one perfect Pixar movie, and you can't top perfection, but, I managed to put down a pretty accurate list. Here ye are.

13. Cars 2: 

Cars 2 exists for one reason, and one reason only: because Disney made uncounted gobs of money from merchandising from the first. It shows. The Pixar spirit just isn't there. The story is predictable, and there isn't really any substance. All it has going for it is the jokes, which are plentiful and often hilarious. I liked this movie. It's a funny comedy, but it's not a good movie.

Best Line: (Sushi Chef, after Mater eats mound of wasabi): "My condolences."

12. Cars

The original Cars is the sequel's polar opposite. It's got a big old heart and an at times touching story. The characters are memorable and seem real, quite a feat considering they're cars. The reason it's so low down on the list is because every other Pixar movie has these attributes too, and because the main character, Lightning McQueen, isn't very interesting. Every other Pixar movie has a strong lead, even Cars 2, with Mater, who at least is funny. Cars is funny too, but has some of the cheesiest jokes of any Pixar outing.

Best Line: (Mater to Lightning, as Lightning is hitched up to the disgusting road-cleaning machine after Mater failed to represent him in a court case) "Hey, I know this may be a bad time right now, but you owe me $32,000 in legal fees." 

A note: This is a good movie. This is the problem with Pixar. Here we are at number 12, and I already think it's a good movie.

11. A Bug's Life

Funny. Worth watching. Quality movie. Good time. It's understandable this isn't Pixar's finest outing. It was only their second, and they didn't have the momentum of new exciting technology anymore. Still, a good movie, but not a classic.

Best Line: (Flik): "They can't know the truth! The truth, you see, is bad! I will be branded with this mistake for the rest of my life! My children's children will walk down the street and people will point and say, "Look, there goes the spawn of Flik the Loser!"

10. Brave

Now we cross from the realm of good to really good. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. The main star is the scenery, and it's breathtaking. The story is charming in its complete strangeness and the performances are great, including Billy Connely (who looks way too much like John Cleese) as the king.

Look at him! Doesn't he look like John Cleese!

But Brave is not a classic, because it tries too hard to be one. After the not-quite-success of Cars 2, the Pixar higher-ups tried to get some of the old magic back, and only ended up with a fairly good imitation. Still, by anyone's standards, a fairly good imitation of Pixar is a wonderful film.

Best Line: (King Fergus, imitation of his daughter) "I don't want to get married, I want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset." 

9. Toy Story 2

Toy Story 2 was the first time Pixar made me sad. Jesse's song "When She Loved Me" is just heartbreaking. The movie was a natural continuation on the first, using toys to illustrate mature feelings of parental abandonment, this time going from "having less time spent with you because of someone else" to "being completely out of the picture." Pretty dark for Pixar. But there's also Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. May they forever be a happy couple.

Best Line: (Mr. Potato Head, say it with me now) "Prepare to meet Mr. Angry Eyes!"

8. The Incredibles

Even if it weren't Pixar, The Incredibles would be a great satire. It would still be a great superhero action movie with characters relatable though they have magnificent powers. It would still be a wonderful film. But it is Pixar, and it has Edna, and we are eternally grateful.

Best Line: (Edna Mode) "No Capes!"

7. Toy Story

The first Pixar movie is still a marvel of computer animation and writing. Along with its sequel, it has a 100% critic approval rating. The characters, however inanimate, seem real, and "You've Got A Friend In Me" will never stop being stuck in our heads. A classic movie.

Best Line (Buzz, after being told he is a child's plaything)" You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. Farewell"

6. Monster's Inc

This one was tough. John Goodman and Billy Crystal's performances still make me laugh. The ingenious story still wows me, and I still gasp at the amazing visuals in the climax. This is one of my favorite movies, and it still is only the sixth best Pixar movie of all time.

Best Line (Roz) "I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always." 

Part 2 Tomorrow!

Things Called Ferris

There are two well-known things with the word Ferris in their name. One is Ferris Bueller, a fictional character from a great film.

Bom. Bom. Chick. Chickachicka.

The other is less great. I am referring to ferris wheels, the worst amusement park rides ever created. Yes, worse than the teacups. What do you have against the teacups? I like the teacups!

Especially with kittens inside!

Seriously, though, ferris wheels are awful. You just kinda sit there. No motion, no excitement. More often than not you're not moving at all because people are getting on. When you are moving, it's simply not very fun. You spend the entire time wanting to get off. Recently, I went on a trip and my group went on the Toys 'R Us ferris wheel in Times Square. I abstained, and walked up the flight of stairs to where my friends would be at the top of the ferris wheel. It was equally fun and there was candy. Which makes it better.

I cannot think of a single sentence where adding "and there was candy" to the end does not make it better.

That's the Eye Of London, best known for being in the city where they film the great TV show Sherlock. It's a famous ferris wheel. It's as boring as any ferris wheel, but you get a great view of the city. (A city not worth viewing as much as New York, because it lacks the naked cowboy.)

Here's the thing about the Eye of London: you could get the same view from an observation deck, which requires you to take a ride in an elevator, which is more fun than a ferris wheel. Also, what if instead of a ferris wheel, it was a roller coaster? Then it would be the small intestine of London!

The human small intestine.

This is not a rant, it is a Public Service Announcement: Never ride a ferris wheel, it will not add any joy to your life in any way.

Do watch Ferris Bueller. Good movie.

Danke Schoen, darling, Danke Schoen.

No Time To Blog Today!

Ta-daa!

An Open Letter to the Director of the American Museum of Natural History in New York City

Dear Mr. of Natural History in New York City,

May I have the dinosaur? Please?

Sincerely,
Nate Perlmeter

Don't Take Our Dinosaur!: An Open Letter to The Mongolian Government

Dear Mr. Government,

Can I call you Mongolian? I think we're on a first name basis, we've known each other for a while. Actually, do you have a nickname, like Goly, or Mongo, or Billy? I'm gonna call you Billy.

Pleasantries aside, lately you've been making some remarks about the Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton in the American Museum of Natural History in New York City, known as "Rexy" to his good friend Ben Stiller.

Good looking guy.

If I understand my news correctly, Billy, you've been saying you want Rexy back because he has historical and cultural significance to your country and your people. Well, you can't make us! You have no right! Sure, the U.S. shouldn't really even have the skeleton and took it illegally in the '30s but that's beside the point!

A '30s archaeologist.

The point that that's beside, by the way, is that you can't take the dinosaur. Plain and simple. If the U.S. government won't stop you, then I will, me, Nate Perlmeter. I can quote Spongebob Squarepants dialogue in a high pitched squeal, and will have you hear it, Billy, if you won't submit to more diplomatic methods. But I hope that won't be necessary.

First of all, your statement is completely ridiculous, Billy. How can the dinosaur be of historical and cultural significance to your country and people? It's a dinosaur. Its history ended long before yours began, and Google yields no "mongolian cultural rites involving dinosaurs." Do you know what that makes you, Billy? A liar. A big, fat, liar.

Terrible movie. Hope you never had to see it in Mongolia.
Okay, okay, I love it.

If anything, the dinosaur is of cultural significance to Americans. It's in the New York City American Museum of Natural History! We based two (filmed in Canada) movies on that place! The dinosaur is so. . . majestic and so. . .inspiring!

Okay, I admit it, Billy. I don't care much about the dinosaur. Living in the New York metropolitan area, I've seen it enough times. But think of the minor disappointment that the exasperated tourists will feel for a moment when a security guard says that the T-Rex skeleton is no longer there. Do you think you could live with causing that kind of pain to people? Do you, Billy?

And that is why we're keeping it. Or at least, I am. I'll find someplace to keep it.

Thank you for your time,

Nate Perlmeter

The Slightly Mixed Bag Of Summer

I am victorious! Okay, we're done here.

But seriously, I'm victorious. The problem I discussed in yesterdays' post has been fixed. My mixer is working. Yay. Have a kitten.

I know how much you guys looooove kittens.

But I digress. Today, I blog about summer. I'm a 13-year-old boy,

Self-portrait.

and it's the end of June, which means Schooooooooooooooolll's out! For! Summer!

Doodly-doodly-doodly!

Initially when I think of summer, (especially in, say, February, smack dab in the middle of the school year), it's a totally great thing. I can't wait for it! You know, summer! Yeah! But then the beginning of June rolls around, and you've finished all your lessons, and you're taking your finals, and the mixed section of the bag of summer vacation rears its ugly head. Speaking from June 18, with three school days to go, this month has been great so far. Spending most of our school time going on trips or watching movies (something my parents don't exactly like their taxpayers' money being spender on) has given me a lot of time to hang out with my friends. Thursday, after school ends, we're all going to have a big party, and it'll be fun, but it'll also be sad, because we'll all be going our separate summer ways, and won't see each other too much for the next few months. So we think, "Hey! We'll see each other when school starts back up again." And then we think, "Ew, school's going to start back up again."

Don't get me wrong, I love summer. I love extra time to relax at home, and I love going to my awesome sleep away camp for eight weeks. (CITs of 2016!) This is why summer isn't a bad bag. It's a mixed, mostly good bag. Like a cheeseburger with olives instead of a plate of haggis. (God, I hate olives. And oatmeal. Hate oatmeal.)

Bleh. Strangely, I like oatmeal cookies. Then again, I like most cookies.

My point is, Yay! No school! Kitten!

Voodoo Child (Slight Return)

Today I return to blogging after a small break, because as they say, write every day, and you shall be writing every day. I don't actually have a topic in mind to talk about, but I decided I'd sit my laptop down on (where else) my lap, and let the words fly from my fingertips. And so they shall.

A word, in its natural habitat.
Seriously, what is that? I think it's a ladybug.

As I write this, I am experiencing an electronic malfunction. That is, I 'm not malfunctioning, a piece of electronics I own is. Or perhaps several are. That's the problem with malfunctioning electronics, you never know what the problem is. Say your iPod isn't getting the music you download to it from your computer. Your computer says the iPod got the music, but the iPod doesn't. What's malfunctioning here? The cable? The computer? The iPod? The wardrobe?

Currently, my problem consists of my computer not reading the USB cable running from my Behringer audio mixer. Now, I know my two readers who know anything about audio technology (Hi Sam! Hi Peter!) are saying, "Of course, it's not working! It's a Behringer!" But I've discussed this mixer with both of you, and you both gave your approval, so you're obviously lying. Now, get back to your bubble baths, or whatever it is people I know do when I'm not around. (Though I really don't see how you get on without me.)

This blog's title is, of course, a Jimi Hendrix song. A very long one. He also had a song called "Voodoo Chile." He also had amazing hair.

The italics were for emphasis, not sarcasm.

I called this post what I called it because it is my "Slight Return" to blogging after a two day break from my rigorous schedule. The return is only slight because in 10 days I'll be heading off to summer camp, and be taking an eight-week-long break from blogging, with maybe one blog smack dab in the middle of that time period when I visit home. It will be a grand visit, during which there will be a grand reunion between my butt and my couch.

So those are the words that come out of my fingertips. Interesting.